


The Sweetest of Dreams

by FromTheInsideOut



Series: YOI Angst Week 2020 [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Attempted Suicide, Attempted Suicide By Overdose, Day One Prompt: Grief, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Makka The Emotional Support Dog, Not Beta Read, Post-Canon, YOI Angst Week 2020
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:40:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27941678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FromTheInsideOut/pseuds/FromTheInsideOut
Summary: How do you go on living with the universe takes everything?It's been weeks since Victor's tragic death. Weeks since Yuuri lost his everything but everything changes when he is finally reunited with his love.Love comes at a price and Yuuri is willing to pay it all to be with Victor again.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Series: YOI Angst Week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2046173
Comments: 9
Kudos: 17
Collections: YOI Angst Week 2020





	The Sweetest of Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So glad you stopped by for some hurt. I'm pleased to present my first ever work for the YOI Fandom. I'm so glad to be here. 
> 
> This work has a lovely nickname, The 1k and Cry. Literally every time I would work on this piece I would get about 1k worth of progress before I started weeping over my keyboard. 
> 
> Please be mindful of the tags! And happy reading!

The house is still quiet, eerily quiet for his liking. He used to welcome the quiet of the night, now he craves sound to fill the walls. Makkachin has resolved herself to laying beside him rather than taking her usual vigil waiting at the door. Day fades to night and back into day in an endless cycle of change. A constant reminder that no matter how long he lays in bed that life still moves forward, even if he can’t. His only respite is finding the will to continue caring for Makkachin, another reminder of the one he misses dearly. Not that he could ever forget. Not that he is really trying to forget. How could he forget? How does one even begin to forget?

People call. People knock, they leave food and other essentials. They care, he knows. He just can’t seem to get himself to care. The phone rings and rings, then silence. A small beep. Another voicemail. His world unfocused, his mind buzzing with the whispers of his voice. They say eventually your brain will build new memories, ones that override the pain. 

It’s for the best they remind him. 

How dare they suggest that a world without his love is ‘for the best’? 

Smoothing the blankets down on the empty side of the bed he whimpers as a fresh wave of tears trickle to collect where so many others have fallen. Makkachin shuffling closer, sharing in the misery. His fingers curling into her fur, pulling her closer into his embrace. The dullness of her warmth soothing the newly formed void that has only grown since the funeral. Like with a physical illness, his body suffers in kind. Russia’s coldest winters couldn’t compare to the bitter cold emptiness that has taken refuge not only in his chest but within their home. And like the winter wind, it steals your breath and numbs your body. 

For years he had been on a strict schedule. Begrudgingly early mornings and strenuous afternoons. Days spent preparing for the next event or the next competition. Oh, how much his life has changed in such a short amount of time. 

Now, getting out of bed sucks all his energy, his world-famous stamina crippled by a short walk with Makka and picking at whatever food was dropped off on the porch by someone. 

Not that he could even say how many days it has been. 

Whatever time that is spent awake is spent crying and clutching Victor’s pillow and what little time he sleeps is spent tossing and turning. In his mind, there are only two means of time. 

There is the before.

The times where his mind sluggish with sleep, softly being kissed awake by tender lips. His first blurry views of the morning filled with a heart-shaped smile and bright blue eyes.

The times where they would laugh and giggle on the floor from Makkachin knocking them over after a long day at the rink.

The times when his body would succumb to the pleasures of his lover, releasing his hold of the silver strands and panting in contented ecstasy. Relishing in the intimate moments of reciprocated love.

Those were the before and oh how much he wished to go back to those times.   


Now, there is only the after.

Everything is less, dull. Not just because he gave up wearing his glasses- and his contacts being totally out of the question- after the third day but everything is lackluster at best.

His Vitya might have called him his sun and stars but surely he must have known what he was to Yuuri?

If Yuuri was his sun, then Victor was the one who created it. Molding Yuuri into the brightest version of himself with slender fingers and a keen sculptor’s eye.

If Yuuri was his stars, then Victor was the one who hung each bright light in the darkest of nights. Placing them in a dazzling array of constellations that rival any masterpiece painted by the greats. 

How do you go on living when the universe takes your everything? How does one find living tolerable in the after? 

After two weeks of suffering in the seclusion of their home, Yuuri was finally able to drag himself out into the light of day long enough to make an impromptu visit to his therapist. The man offered his condolences at the beginning of their appointment, it was nothing that he hadn’t heard before but the sentiment was nice. He allowed Yuuri to weep and struggle through incoherent thoughts and mindless ramblings. In the end, the hour passed and he felt no better. The only solace was a small paper with illegible scribbles to be taken to the pharmacy.    
  
“Thanks,” he muttered leaving the small office. He walked quietly, hand loosely clutching Makka’s leash. As much as he tried, he just couldn’t leave her alone. Partially because she was so used to going everywhere with Victor and partially because he couldn’t risk letting her out of his sight, afraid that she too would leave him. And as much as he needed her, he knew that she needed him too. 

Together they could mourn their mutual loss. 

Together they would shoulder their burden, caring for each other. 

She followed attentively down one block and then another, mindful to not tug or pull at the leash. Rounding the corner to the pharmacy the area was blessedly sparse of other patrons. If people were staring he couldn’t tell- not that he would even bring himself to make eye contact with anyone. Standing in front of the door he sighed, focusing and unfocusing as he felt the paper tucked into his pocket.  _ What’s the point?  _

Makka nudged his hand, her wet nose, a silent reminder that he wasn’t alone.

“Thanks, Makka.” Stroking the space between her ears he collected himself again before pushing open the door, letting a gust of cool air rush past him. Making his way to the counter he was greeted by an overly cheerful woman in her 40’s.   
  
“What can I do for you today?”   
  
Reaching into his pocket he handed over the slightly crumpled paper, watching her face as she analyzed the prescription. “I just need this filled, today if possible?”

“Trouble sleeping?” She asked inquisitively, almost motherly. Bile rose up in his throat at her perception. Which, it really shouldn’t bother him, the evidence was plain as day from his appearance and the note but any thought of someone pitying him made everything more real.   
  
“A little,” glancing down at Makka he sighed again. “So can you fill this today or do I need to come back tomorrow?” The sooner he got home the better. Nobody would want to watch a grown man weep uncontrollably in public. And he wasn’t even sure if he would have enough energy to get back out again if he had to return the following day.   
  
“Give me a few minutes dear and I can get this ready for you.” Patting him on the hand, her eyes flicked over his shoulder. “If you want, you can have a seat over there and I’ll call you when I’m finished.”

“Thanks,” he muttered, walking mindlessly over to a set of chairs they deemed as a waiting area. Sinking into the seat, he propped up his face with one hand while stroking Makka. Their mutual sadness swirling just under the surface. Two soldiers fighting a seemingly losing battle. 

Seconds ticked by like eternities. 

The longer he stayed the higher the opportunity to be noticed by someone- and to be honest that was the last thing he wanted to deal with at the moment. Any single moment a fan would walk in and their perception of him would be altered. No longer the confident partner to Victor Nikiforov but a shell of a man left behind by him.

“Mr. Nikiforov?” The woman called quietly.

His world froze in an instant. What few seemingly idle thoughts he might have had were quickly swept away with a fresh wave of nausea. His stomach twisted up in knots just at the mention of his name. He could see the trembling of his hands shake against Makka’s body as the woman called his name again.  _ Please, not here. Not in public.  _   
  
“Sir?”

He could faintly hear the woman calling out but it was like his mind and his body disconnected from each other. The crack in the damn crumbling under the pressure of holding everything internally.    
  
Whimpering quietly, Makka watched her master spiral further into his mind, glancing at the woman and then back at Yuuri. Hesitantly she pressed herself as close to Yuuri as possible, licking the hand holding her leash. Her damp nose bumping against his leg.

Slowly, Yuuri could feel himself coming back to reality, the edges of his vision becoming more clear. 

His muscles relaxing little by little as the shaking subsides and the pressure on in his chest lightning. 

Reality shifting from fuzzy undefined shapes into more concrete and solid images. 

Glancing down he watched Makka look back at him with concern. “Sorry girl. I’m back.” Cradling her face, he lifted it up to press their foreheads together. “Thanks Makka.” Lifting himself up and out of the chair, he made his way back to the counter. “Sorry, it's been a rough few days.” 

“No need to apologize dear.” Twisting the bag towards her she flipped through the contents pulling out two separate bottles. “Your doctor has prescribed you two new prescriptions. The first is a non drowsy antidepressant. It is recommended that you take it in the morning with food and to be continued for the next three months in which you will need to schedule a follow-up appointment to discuss refills or dosage changes.” Placing one bottle back into the bag she picked up the second. “This is the sleep aid. This is to be taken 30 minutes prior to laying down for the night. It’s recommended that for the first few times you don’t plan any early morning activities just so you get an idea of how your body reacts to it.” Placing them both back in the bag she slid it over the counter towards Yuuri. “Any questions?”

Shaking his head, he slipped a few bills towards the woman and headed back towards the front of the store. Just before he reached the door he heard her call back out to him.   
  
“Sir?”   
  
“Keep the change.” His hand frozen on the door as he glanced back towards the pharmacy counter.

“I just want you to know that whatever you’re going through, just know that there are people in your life that care.” Giving him a small smile she returned back to her work.

If it was any other situation, Yuuri might be inclined to take Makka for a longer walk along their favorite path along the shoreline but his mind only craves to be back home, surrounded by all the things that remind him of Victor. If he couldn’t have him he could have the next best thing. 

He wouldn’t classify himself as a materialistic person but things have changed. 

He has changed. 

Their trek back home is quiet, just the steady trotting of Makka beside him and the occasional rustle of the bag in his hand. 

Yuuri wishes he could bring himself to feel something other than the vast emptiness and sorrow. Just another reminder of how empty his life is now without Victor. Walks used to be filled with laughs and catching up after exhausting days spent at the rink. Giggles at Makka for her silly antics of chasing birds and sniffing bushes. 

His eyes used to be lifted, looking towards the future. 

Now, he can barely meet the eyes of strangers or imagine his life past the next twenty minutes.

_ Everything hurts without you Vitya.  _ He can feel the tears pooling at the corners of his eyes.  _ It was only a matter of time before it started again. _ Makka’s excited whimpers and tugging at the leash caught his attention. Releasing her leash she sprinted towards the familiar grumpy teenager sitting on the front stoop.

Yuuri grimaced as Makka bowled right into Yuri, effectively pinning him to the ground with her excitement. He thought about walking away or ignoring him but neither option was great or possible. Yuri wasn’t going to just let himself be ignored for much longer. His best bet was to say what Yuri wanted to hear and slip back into the house as soon as possible. “Sorry Yuri.” He tugged lightly on Makka’s leash, pulling her off of him.

“It’s fine.” Wiping his face clean of Makka kisses he looked back up to Yuuri. “You look like shit.”

Between his slouched posture and puffy face he could only imagine how awful he actually looked. “Feel like it too.” That was going to be the extent of sharing with Yuri. His hand twisted and untwisted Makka’s leash as he stood in front of him. He almost felt like a child that was caught by their parents doing something they weren’t supposed to be doing. Like Yuri was able to see right through him and that made him squirm even more.

“Sit with me for a while?” Yuri asked quietly. 

If Yuuri was more aware he would have noticed the slight wobble at the end of the question but like most things recently his eye for observation was clouded by his own inner turmoil. Realizing that he wasn’t going to skirt past him he only nodded, joining Yuri on the top step of the stoop. Makka settling between them in the optimal position for receiving affection.

And there they sat for a good long while. Watching a few cars pass and neighbors enjoying an evening stroll around the block with their loved ones. It made Yuuri’s stomach churn with bitterness and jealousy.  _ That used to be us. It’s not fair. _ The last person he wanted to cry in front of was Yuri.

“So, do you want to talk about it?” Stuffing his hands back into his hoodie pocket he kept his eyes staring forward.   


“Not really.” His hand idly found Makka again, running his hand over the curve of her back to the base of her tail. Even Makka’s fur felt different, not that Victor’s death was to blame but just another reminder of her old age catching up with her.

“You haven’t answered my calls.” Yuri’s voice was even, lacking it’s usual bite.

“I haven’t answered anyone’s calls if that makes you feel better.” He twisted Makka’s leash between his hands, anything to distract him from actually answering.   


“It doesn’t. What did it take for you to finally convince Phichit to leave?”

“I’m not sure.” Yuuri peeking out of the corner of his eye at Yuri. The truth would be too much. The fact was that he couldn’t even remember all that he had said to his therapist and that only occurred a couple of hours ago. “Probably something about sitting on my couch for a couple of weeks not being a part of his pre-season training or that his hamsters would forget who he was if he was away too long.” 

“He could have stayed and trained at the rink. It’s not the first time he has worked with Celestino in a different country.”

“I know.” The quiet that settled between them didn’t feel as heavy. Maybe Yuuri was wrong about Yuri’s maturity. He sure has changed from the first time they had met. No longer the angsty teen with something to prove but a young self-assured 20 something. 

“Is your phone even charged?”

Yuuri reaches into his pocket pulling out his phone. Tapping the screen only confirmed Yuri’s suspicions.

“Figured as much when it started going straight to voicemail a couple days ago.” 

“Yeah.”

“It was my turn you know. We all take turns trying to visit you, me, Mila, and Georgi. Hell even Chris offered to come back and try.”

The sky was unusually gray for it being early spring in Russia.“Tell everyone thanks but you don’t need to do that. You all need to prepare for the upcoming season.” 

“Don’t give me that lame ass excuse Katsudon.” Yuri’s eyes bore into Yuuri’s. This was supposed to be their best year yet for training. And now they are sitting beside one another one on the precipice of another level of greatness and the other completely shrouded in hopelessness.

“But I mean it,” his voice felt pinched if he kept going there would be no way for him to maintain any semblance of control, “he would want everyone to keep skating.”

“You are included in that too you know.”

“We both know I’m in no position to skate this season.” Taking his glasses off and wiping them against his shirt he sighed.   
  
“Not with that attitude.” He shouldn’t push but this was the first time since the funeral that he has actually seen Yuuri.

“I have nothing in me to give.” That much was true. 

“So you’re just giving up?” Yuri bit back, harsher than he intended though Yuuri didn’t seem to mind.

Yuuri shrugged. “Giving up implies that I had something to give in the first place.”

“That’s pretty depressing sounding. I was really looking forward to kicking your ass on the ice again.” Yuri huffed. 

Yuuri almost wanted to laugh at his pouting.  _ Yuri is still as competitive as ever. _

“Hey Katsudon?”

“Yeah, Yurio?” Taking a chance he finally looked up at Yuri again. His body posture was stiff as he worried his bottom lip. 

“I just wanted to say that I’ve missed you and not just on the ice.” 

_ Oh, how the fierce Russian Ice Tiger has grown. _

“I’ve missed you too.” Maybe he did or maybe he didn’t but this was a rare moment that he was not going to let slip by. He couldn’t hide away from the fact that Yuri had grown on him the past few years, especially after moving to Russia.

“You know that I could always come over and we could just play games or something.” Yuri saw Yuuri shiver and amended his offer. “We don’t have to talk.”

“I’ll remember that when I am up for some company.” 

“And I know it’s not the same but Beka said he could come over instead. I know it’s not the same but he doesn’t say as much as everyone else and doesn’t mind sitting for hours on end not saying anything.” 

“Tell him I appreciate the offer.”

“I will.”

“You should probably get going. I’ve had a busy day and I’m feeling pretty worn out from everything.”

“Do you want me to stay? I could make you katsudon piroshkis? They might not be as good as the ones dedushka makes but I could try.” He wanted to stay. Yuri wanted to at least give everyone back at the rink some news. He didn’t want to admit it but the atmosphere at the rink has changed since Victor’s accident. The once lively and competitively charged air is now covered with a blanket of mourning. Or that everytime he has stepped on the ice to distract himself he always ends up crying in the locker room. 

“That’s alright, I’m sure I have plenty of food to choose from.” Yuuri can feel his heart longing to hide back in the sanctuary that he and Victor built together.    
  
Yuri stood up and looked out towards the road. His movements were hesitant. He knew if he walked away now there was no guarantee when the next time he would even see Yuuri again. He had to make one final plea before he left. “I know you already know this but we all care about you and we want to help. We just don’t know how to if you don’t let us know. Promise me that if you need something, anything, that you will reach out to one of us and let us help?”

Yuuri winced.  _ I just keep hurting people Vitya. Even if I don’t mean to. I keep hurting them. _

“I’ll try.”

“I guess that is as good of an answer as I expected.” Reaching down he patted Makka one final time. “Take care of yourself Katsudon.”

“Thanks Yurio.” Yuuri waited until Yuri disappeared into the distance before pushing himself to stand. “Let’s go back inside shall we?” Makka stood up with a languid stretch before shaking out her sleepy body, trotting happily towards the door. The keys jingle in the lock, giving way to an empty living room. Drifting mindlessly from room to room he gathers the essentials for another long night. 

“Can’t tell me that I can’t eat in bed now can you Vitya?” Bowl and glass in hand he settled back in the bedroom pushing himself against the headboard. Makka takes her usual place in the empty space beside Yuuri, watching him pick at the reheated food. With the sun fully set the room plunges into darkness. 

Just another reminder of how lonely he truly is. 

The bedroom turned into a living memorial of Victor. His recent book still sitting half-read at the edge of Victor’s night stand along with his reading glasses. A picture of the both of them hung up above their bed from their first pair skating exhibition. House slippers waiting near the bathroom door. His toothbrush. His favorite jam he would add to his tea. Makkachin tissue holder. Medals. Victor this and Victor that.

_ Victor. _

_ Victor. _

_ Victor. _

Living in the place they built together is both suffocating and sanctuary. As much as it hurts to look around and still see traces of Victor it brings comfort knowing that being with him wasn’t just a dream. Victor loving him and living was real. Everything that happened on the ice between them was a culmination of love for the ice and love for each other. 

_ Everything always comes back to you Vitya. _

Before he devolves back into a blubbering mess for the remainder of the night he examined the small orange bottle he placed on the nightstand. Rolling the bottle in his hands he listened to the pills rattle around softly in their container. Opening it up and dumping out one onto his hand he stared intently at the little white pill. 

_ Being awake is a living hell, I hope this is better.  _

Popping it into his mouth he washed it down with the last swig of water in his glass. 

Yuuri slid down into the blankets, burying his face into Victor’s pillow. “Goodnight Makka. Sweet dreams” While it took awhile for the medicine to kick in Yuuri could feel his body start to relax, slipping into a comfortable state of rest. Closing his eyes one final time before slipping into restful darkness.  _ Goodnight Vitya. _

Blinking slowly, Yuuri finds himself looking out into the vast horizon of an ocean. Waves gently lapping against the shore. The gulls cawing in the distance, rising and falling with the breeze. Glancing around he notes the distinct absence of Makka running through the sand and waves. 

_ What am I doing here? _

Looking left and right he shrugs. With no noticeable landmarks his bare feet tread through the wet sand and shallow waves.

His mind wanders from thought to though, a lightness in his chest that he hasn’t felt in so long. 

_ This is what actually sleeping must feel like.  _

He wonders to himself as he continues his aimless walking. Eventually he looks out farther into the horizon where a lone bench sits perched on an elevated concrete slab facing the ocean. 

_ I must be missing home if the first thing I dream about is the ocean.  _

Settling himself onto the bench he soaks in the sights and sounds of his surroundings. The warmth of the sun against his skin. The breeze moving through the tips of his hair. The grit of the sand stuck to his feet. But most importantly he notes the calm. 

_ It’s nice here. _

Tipping his head back he stares blankly towards the sky as his breathing levels back out. Breathing out slowly he focuses on the sounds of the waves hitting the shore. 

_ My subconscious mind is practically forcing me to rest even while I dream. _

Just as the last of his thoughts quiet within his mind he feels a pressure against his shoulder. Before he can open his eyes a voice whispers quietly into his ear.

“Missed you.”

Hands snake around his shoulder pulling him into a firm hug. 

_ Now this is just cruel.  _

_ You can’t do this to me.  _

_ I can’t do this to myself. _

_ Not here. _

He desperately wanted to open his eyes. He wanted to believe that wherever he was now was reality and reality was just a nightmare. Opening his eyes meant being confronted again with reality. Back to the place where there was no Victor.

“Open your eyes.”

“I can’t.” Yuuri’s voice trembled as hands cradled his cheeks.

“Please? For me?”

_ I can’t.  _

_ I can’t do this to myself.  _

_ I must be sick.  _

“I can’t Vitya. If I do that just means that you are really gone. I can’t escape from the fact that you’re gone. No matter where I turn or what I do you’re not there.” Tears flow freely down Yuuri’s face as he sobs quietly to himself. “I even miss you so much that my subconscious thoughts manifested you.”

Victor’s thumbs continue to wipe away his tears. Waiting patiently for the sobs to subside. “But I am here.”

“Must be a side effect of the sleep aid. Eventually I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone again.” Yuuri’s eyes screw shut even tighter, not chancing a small glimpse of dream Victor.

“Even so, that means I will get a couple of hours where I just get to hold you again. You don’t even have to look.” Victor clutches Yuuri tighter, burying his face into the crook of his neck, pressing a light kiss into his skin. “I’m so sorry, love. I’m so so sorry. I never meant to leave you like that.”

Silence hung between them only being interrupted by quiet sniffles. 

_ I’m both a sadist and masochist for imagining this. _

Pulling from the deepest parts of himself, Yuuri finds some small bout of courage, risking a glance he looked down only for his vision to be filled with the familiar sight of silver hair. Clutching onto Victor even harder he wailed in agony, his cries being carried out to sea with the caws of the gulls. __

Eventually Yuuri’s sobs quieted into rasped whimpers. His fingers clinging desperately to the loose cotton fabric of Victor’s shirt. He would spend the rest of forever being held by the one person he loved above all others. So many nights passed in a hazy blur of tears and fragmented sleep. The fatigue slowly wore down his body to the point of exhaustion but even then his mind refused to allow him to forget his grief. Nothing could replace the devastating impact of Victor being ripped away from him. 

And now.

_ Now.  _

Now here he was. 

Victor’s arms wrapped around him. 

Victor’s warmth soaking into his body. 

Victor’s steady breathing filling his mind with the most beautiful melody of life.

“Yuuri,” Victor’s voice was muffled as he repeated his name like it was the only word he was able to say.

“Yuuri,” lips pressing a gentle kiss against his head.

“Yuuri,” his hands trailing up and down his back languidly. 

“Yuuri,” his chest rumbling softly under Yuuri’s ear pressed to his chest.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I know, it’s not like you meant for it to happen.” Yuuri countered lightly, still buried close against Victor’s chest.

“It still doesn’t mean that I don’t feel bad about leaving you alone.”

“I’m not all alone Vitya, I have Makka.”

“And Yura. And Mila. And Georgi. And Yakov. Chris. Mari. Phichit. Cel-”

“Okay Vitya, I get it.” Sitting up a little straighter, Yuuri leaned into Victor’s hold. How many nights have passed that he craved this. 

_ Too many nights. _ He answered himself. “How are you here?”

“That’s what I have been asking myself.” Nuzzling himself into Yuuri’s hair he sighed. “The short answer is I don’t know.”

“Do you even know how long you have been here?”

“The cheesy answer would be that I have always been here but I’m not sure. It’s kinda hard to tell when the sun always looks like that.” Pointing out into the horizon towards the sun that hangs in the sky. “If I had to guess it is sometime between 6-7pm. Not quite light enough to be early in the day but also not low enough for there to be a night.”

“Are you saying that since you got here there has never been a sunset? Or night?”

Pulling back Victor cupped Yuuri’s cheeks, shaking his head. “Afraid not. No signs of morning either. Wherever this is, the place is determined to stay awake.” His thumbs traced over the high points, smearing away the tear stains.

Yuuri pondered for a moment before asking his next question. “Do you sleep here?”

“If only. As far as I can tell it has only been an endless loop of the same section of beach with this bench. I assume this is a fragment of Hasetsu?”

“Probably, though I am not sure there is anything specific about this bench in my memories of home.” 

“Maybe your brain took pity on me and gifted me a place to sit and wait for something to happen?”

“So this bench is always here?” Yuuri questioned.

“Give or take, I assume.”

“So do you think if I were able to come back to this place that you would be here waiting for me?”

“This is the first time that I have come across anyone since I got here. I’m not sure how this all works. But whatever you did to get here I assume you would just have to recreate the conditions. Did you do something different tonight before you fell asleep.”

“I actually fell asleep.” Yuuri’s hands moved to rest on Victor’s hips, drawing him in closer. “At least I assume that’s what happened. I was prescribed a sleep aid.”

“You need to take better care of yourself,” Victor chided loveningly.

“I’m trying. But it’s hard. Everything without you is hard.” Yuuri’s excuse sounded just as half hearted as it felt. He was trying but how much can one try when even breathing hurts? “Sleeping I guess is the first step. But if sleeping gets me you then I will do my best to sleep better.” 

_ Victor is here.  _

_ Wherever ‘here’ is. _

And Yuuri was going to do anything in his power to recreate those conditions.

Victor leaned in and pressed a kiss onto Yuuri’s forehead, letting his lips linger against his skin. “I’m almost afraid to ask but how is Makka doing?”

“I think her and I are in the same boat. We just miss you.” The corners of his lips downturning. “But I think at this point she is taking more care of me than I am able for her.”

“Sounds like our girl. She was there for me for so many years when there was no one. I think that she is just doing what she does best, loving those that need her the most.”

“We don’t deserve dogs.” Yuuri remarked.

“I think that is why they call life a gift,” Victor hummed. “Speaking of which I think that you are starting to wake up.”

Yuuri’s eyes widened in panic. He couldn’t wake up now! Not when he finally found Victor. Leaving him would feel like Victor dying all over again. Losing him once was hell, losing him again would kill him. “NO! No Vitya don’t make me go! Please! I can’t go yet!” Yuuri’s fists beat against Victor’s chest with every exclamation of his cries. “I just got here! And you’re here and not there! I can’t wake up without you. Please?”

“Yuuri,” Victor’s honeyed voice called out to him. “ Yurri, Yuuri, Yuuri. Please don’t cry again.” Even with Yuuri’s anger and fear Victor couldn’t bring himself to make promises he didn’t think he could keep. “Please listen to me, love. I don’t know how this works but if we are able to see each other again like this,” his hands smoothed back Yuuri’s hair away from his face, kissing his cheek lightly. “Then I will try my best to be here waiting for you okay?”

“I can’t.” His voice cracked as the tears returned in full force.

“I’m sorry love but it’s time to wake up.”

“Please don’t make me do this alone. I don’t want to be alone, Vitya. I don’t want to go back without you.”

“I’m sorry love. Tell my girl that I love her and miss her.” His deep blue eyes shimmered with unshed tears as he watched Yuuri fade from beside him.

“No!!!” Yuuri wailed as his body lurched off the bed, reaching forward into the empty air grasping for someone that wasn’t there. “Dammit!! Not again!” His palms digging into his eyes hard enough for bursts of lights to explode in the darkness. 

Makka’s gentle nudging bringing him back into reality. Her soft brown eyes staring deep into Yuuri’s, wet nose pressing against his cheek.

“I saw him Makka. I saw our Vitya.” His fingers curled into her fir as his body shook and trembled. “I felt him, he felt so real. Like he was alive. Like he never left.” His mind recalled every moment of the fever dream that was the beach and the bench and Victor. 

_ That felt too real to just be a regular dream. _

His mind running over and over about one particular part of what Victor had said.

_ Recreate the conditions. _

All he would have to do is sleep again. Sleeping meant Victor and if Yuuri wanted to see him then he needed to sleep. Picking up the orange pill body and his glasses he read over the small printed instructions.

_ Take approximately 30 minutes before laying down. _

_ Limit one tablet nightly. _

And a few other miscellaneous instructions about food and operating heavy machinery. All of the usual shorthand information. Placing down one bottle and picking up the other he sighed.  _ Is it really worth taking if I’m able to see Victor?  _ Rolling the bottle in his palm, the pills quietly clattered and shifted. 

_ Recreate the conditions. _ His mind supplied.

The nightstand drawer opened and closed. One less bottle setting atop. The day was still young but even just the few amount of consecutive hours he slept seemed to lessen the gravity of his grief. Tossing his legs over the side of the bed he beckoned Makka to start their day with a walk and some breakfast.

The hours crawled by even slower with the prospect of seeing Victor again. Try as he might, Yuuri couldn’t bring himself to find menial tasks to fill his time. 

One minute stretched to five.

Five stretched to ten.

Ten to twenty.

And so it went, watching the second hand tick steadily over the clock face. Morning fading to high noon and noon fading to dusk. With one final walk around the block and the house properly closed down for the night Yuuri and Makka crawl back into bed. 

_ One pill nightly. _

_ Recreate the conditions. _

It was the mantral of his day. The words swirling on repeat over and over again in his mind.

Unscrewing the top of the bottle sparked a newfound excitement for sleep. Truly the most positive feeling he had felt in weeks. Tossing the pill back with a hearty gulp of water, Yuuri chanced a small smile.

“I’m going to see our Vitya, Makka. I’ll make sure to give him extra love from you.” His hand caressed her head gently until he felt his movement gradually began to slow. “Night Makka.” He whispered before finally closing his eyes, allowing himself to drift to sleep.

The smell of salty air filled his lungs, a breath of relief.

_ Recreate the conditions. _

Blinking slowly he looked out to the familiar horizon of blue. His feet warm against the grainy sand of the beach. Cupping his hands to his mouth he called out, “Vitya?” Waiting a few moments without a response he sighed. 

_ He did say that it was continuous, I guess I’ll just have to walk till I find the bench. _

Turning right he followed the shoreline of the lapping waves, the water occasionally tickling his toes. He continued walking until a bench appeared across his line of sight. Smiling widely he jogged faster. 

_ Please be there. _

_ Please be there. _

_ Please be there. _

His mind was almost frantic as he hoped beyond hope that the bench would be occupied.  _ He said he would wait for me. _ To his dismay, the bench was unfortunately empty, nothing but a few lingering gulls loitering around it. Huffing he slouched haphazardly against it.

_ Recreate the conditions. What did I do the last time I found the bench? _

Closing his eyes he tried to steady both his mind and his heart. The last time it seemed that dream Victor showed up when he emptied himself of thought or worry. But with the prospect of seeing Victor rattling around his brain he couldn’t help but fidget and occasionally glance around at his surroundings.

“I just need to calm down for just long enough for him to show up.” He said aloud to himself. Focusing on the sounds of the waves he counted his breaths. “I can do this.” In...two...three...four...out...two three...four… Over and over again until his body rested heavily against the bench.

Slender fingers combed through the unruly strands of black.

“Vitya,” he whispered.

“Yuuri,” Victor echoed back quietly.

“You’re here.” He couldn’t help but smile sweetly back at him, letting loose a few tears of joy.

“I should be saying that to you.” Soft figures brushing away the tears. “How was your day?”

“Vitya,” Yuuri grumbled, “why would you even ask me that?”

“My days don’t change here.”

“Well neither do mine as of late.” He felt Victor’s fingers still in their ministrations. “Sorry.”

“No need to apologize.” After a few moments of silence between them he resumed his touches. “I’m just not sure how else to make you feel better.”

Yuuri’s eyes sought Victor’s, “the only thing that could ever make me feel better is just by being with you. Simple. It’s only ever been that.”

“I can do that.” He smiled back.

Night after night they settled into a comfortable silence until Yuuri was pulled back into reality. And night after night he still struggled with leaving, waking up to reach for someone who’s no longer there.

_ Something has to change. _

After a week of dream filled bliss Yuuri has to do something. “Vitya what would it be like if I was just here, you know…..like all the time?”

“I would want nothing else than for my days to always be with you but that’s not how this works.”   
  
“But what if it could?” Yuuri asked hesitantly.

“No, I’ll take whatever time you give me while you sleep nothing more.” Victor’s tone dropped teetering on the verge of a command.

“I just want to be with you Vitya.”   
  
“And who will be there for Makka?” Victor pleaded.   
  
“Yuri or my family. Somebody we know would adopt her in a heartbeat.”   
  
“You can’t do this.”   
  
“Sorry Vitya. As much as I love our time together I can’t keep doing this to myself.”

“If you won’t do it for Makka then what about your family?”   
  
“Eventually they’ll understand. Me, the way I am living now, I am already half dead without you. Out there I am nothing but sorrow, even now since we started meeting like this. At least when I’m asleep I experience something akin to happiness.”   
  
“My love, this is only temporary.” Hands smooth back his hair as he looks longingly at Yuuri. “Even now I am only a fraction of the person I was when I was alive. Only part of your memory of me. The love we shared while I was alive was just that, alive. It was vibrant and bloomed brighter than cherry blossom season. It breathed life into others and allowed them in turn to bloom. We inspired others and while my living self can no longer inspire others in the same way, you, my love, are able to continue for the both of us. You are able to live and drive others to live up to all their potential.” A sob racked his body as he clutched onto Yuuri’s frame. “Please my love don’t do this. For me, please, if for no one else do it because of your love for me.” Victor pleaded to any last strand of will still left in Yuuri’s soul.   
  
Yuuri grabbed his hands, squeezing them lightly. “Before you, I was nothing but a dime-a-dozen skater with no direction and no will to continue skating. I was lost until you found me Vitya. And then you fell in love with me and I with you. Your greatest gift to me was the love you had shown me. Don’t you see it Vitya. I am nothing without you. Without you, I am just as lost as I was before. I am no longer Yuuri Katsuki or Yuuri Nikiforov. I am only  _ your _ Yuuri. It is the only thing I want to be.” Squeezing his hands one last time he smiled. “I can feel myself waking up but I will be back soon Vitya.” Kissing his cheek softly, he pulled back. “Wait for me Vitya.”   
  
As his eyes fluttered open he could feel the faint echos of Victor screaming, pleading for him to reconsider. But what’s done is done and soon they would be together again. 

Picking up his phone from the night stand he shot over a quick text to Yurio.

Me:  _ Hey do you think you could take Makka for a couple of days while I try to sort out some of Vitya’s things? _

Pressing send he let his phone fall against the sheets, staring at his background. Being reminded of the times when things were simpler. Times when all there was, was love. Times when all there was, was Victor’s face smiling back at him. The notification pinged bringing up the new text.

Yurio:  _ Sure. Do I need to bring Beka to help? _

Me:  _ No, I’ll just pack up a few of her essentials. _

Yurio:  _ What time do you want me to stop by? _

Me:  _ Maybe around lunch time if you’re able. _

Yurio:  _ I’ll just let Yakov know. See you then. _

Me:  _ Thanks, Yurio. _

With the last text sent he cuddled closer to Makka. If he was going to go through with this the least he could do was make the rest of their time together well spent. Throwing on comfortable clothes he packed up a few toys and treats, determined to spend their time at one of their favorite places.

It almost felt normal to be there without Victor. He watched Makka bound and bounce along the shore, chasing birds and greeting fellow beach goers. Even in her old age she was still able to find some joy in the little things. Checking his phone threw him back to reality. “Time to head back girl.” Clipping her back onto her leash they silently walked back home to wait for Yuri.

Not long after their arrival there was a knock at the door. 

_ Looks like it’s time. _

He watched Makka wiggle her way towards the door for the new visitor.

“Thanks for taking her on such short notice.” 

“I did say if you needed anything to ask. I’m just keeping my end of the deal.” Yuri gruffed, albeit without its usual bite.

“How mad was Yakov about you skipping out on practice?” Yuuri questioned.

“Less than usual. If I didn’t know better I would think that you’re his favorite, though he would never admit it.”

“Okay good.”

“Are you going to be okay doing that by yourself? Are you sure you don’t want someone here for moral support or something?”

“I think that this is something that I should do on my own. I don’t think I would feel comfortable enough with other people touching his things.” Yuuri wrung his hands together nervously.

“I could just sit in the living room while you do whatever. That way if you need me I’m here and if you don’t then at least I can take care of Makka while you’re busy.” Yuri offered.

_ Oh sweet Yura I can’t have you here for what I’m doing.  _

“I think it would be best for Makka if she wasn’t around me when I do it. Besides I’m sure Potya wouldn’t mind sharing her bed with Makka for a while.”

“You seem different...what changed since last week?” Yuri cocked his head looking skeptically at Yuuri.

“I’ve slept.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Are you sure you don’t want one of us here?” Yuri asked one more time.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay, well what time do you want me to bring her back over tomorrow?”

“I’ll just message you when I’m done and walk over to come get her. Though I might have you keep her for an extra day. There should be plenty of food in her bag but I put the spare key in there in case something comes up. All the vet information and emergency numbers are in the baggy with her meds.”

“Seems like overkill for a night or two…”

“You know how he is when it comes to Makka.” Yuuri tried to reason, stoking between her ears.

“I swear this dog is treated better than some people.”

“She deserves to be cared for, she’s one of a kind.” Clipping her leash to her collar he tried to steady his hands. Crouching down he pulled her into a firm hug, whispering softly into her fur. “Okay Makka, you’re going to go with Yurio for a little while. Be a good girl and try not to irritate dear Potya too much.” He could feel his resolve starting to weaver.  _ I need to hurry this up. _ Taking a deep breath he hugged her even tighter, imprinting all the love he could for her.  _ I’m so sorry Makka. If I could take you with me I would but that is on a whole other level of cruelty that you don’t deserve. _ “Love you girl.” With one final pet to her head he waved them off.

“Remember if you need me just call.”

“Thanks,” Yuuri waited a few moments before pulling him into a hug. “You really have grown into someone that Victor would have been so proud to coach till your retirement. He loved you so much. We love you so much.” He added

“He might not be able to coach me but you still could. I’d let you.” The last words leaving his mouth as a whisper.

“Oh Yura, you deserve a much better coach than I could ever be.” Yuuri laughed lightly before pulling back.

“Don’t sell yourself so short Katsudon. Victor could never teach step sequences as good as you.” Yuri remarked.

“Between the two of us I guess we made a pretty good team.”

“Yeah.”

“Take care of yourself Yura.” 

“I will. I’ve been doing it for long enough already.” Letting go, Yuri slowly walked towards the road, Makka whimpering and tugging harshly against the leash to go back to Yuuri. 

“With Yura Makka.” He watched Makka’s conflicted posture. Part of her wanting to stay with Yuuri and the other part wanting to comply with his command. 

“I don’t think she wants to leave.” Yuri’s arm strains against Makka’s tugging. 

“She probably just doesn’t want to leave in case he comes back home.” Yuuri suggested nervously. 

“Do you think this is such a good idea? I might not spend much time with her but it isn’t like Makka to act this way.” 

“I know but I would rather not have her stressed out while I move a few things.”The desperation in his voice was leaking out the longer they stood there.

“Okay if you say so.” Yuri hesitantly tugged Makka again. “Come Makka.” Eventually after some coaxing she followed solemnly behind Yura, reluctantly turning the corner. 

Closing the door behind him the lock slid quietly into place. Leaning back against the door he sobbed, crumpling down to the floor in a heap. Time slipped past as he shed tear after tear. 

Crying over his grief. 

Crying for what he was doing to those around him.

Crying that real Victor wasn’t here to console him.

Crying for his family that he would never see again.

Crying for himself for not being strong enough to live without Victor.

Crying. 

Just crying. 

It always comes back to him and his lack of resolve. Even after spending so much time with Victor there are still dark spots that marr his soul that whisper through the darkness about his inadequacies. By living he has to watch everyone around him suffer because of his grief, at least this way he could be free of their staring. One less burden for those around him. 

Wiping his face clean, he pushed up off the floor and set to work the things he wanted to accomplish before laying down. Writing down all the important account information for various companies, further instructions for Makka, passwords to their various devices and social media platforms, and finally a list of contacts that would need to be alerted after tonight. Pages and pages of instructions piled neatly on the dining room table, it was the least he could do for whoever would be in charge of their assets. 

Satisfied with the instructions he headed to the bedroom, specifically to the closet. Bags and bags of garment bags hung orderly in the back. Years of physical evidence of their combined dedication to their sport. 

The sport that made them fall in love with the ice.

The sport that made them fall in love with each other.

Without Victor the ice has lost its love.

Without Victor there is no love for Yuuri.

After years and years of looking up to him from his childhood to the few years that they were able to spend together. All of Yuuri’s love boils down to one integral point.

His love for the ice and his love for Victor are the same. One without the other is incomplete. But soon it wouldn’t matter, even if Yuuri couldn’t return to the ice he could at least be with Victor. 

His hands brushed the sturdy plastic bags to Victor’s more casual clothes. The sweaters and slacks now without an owner. His hand lands on the familiar and worn red and white zip up. Sliding off the hanger he takes care to slip it onto his frame, snuggling into its warm embrace. There would be nothing he would want more than to spend what little time left being cradled by the closest thing to Victor he would ever have in this reality.

Padding into the kitchen he set to making himself a cup of his favorite tea before settling into bed for the night.

Everything feels different once you know those familiar routines will soon end. Even though his thoughts still swirled with unease there was still an undercurrent of peace. 

Peace knowing that soon his forced distance from the one he loves will come to an end.

Peace that he would no longer burden those he holds deal with his unending grief.

Peace that whatever would come next would be final.

He watched the sky fade from it’s brilliant hues of pinks and yellows, settling into the quiet that descends from dusk to night. Placing his emptied cup of tea on the night stand he retrieved the full bottle of antidepressants and the mostly emptied bottle of sleep meds. __

_ It should be enough.  _

Twisting off both caps he set to work swallowing handful after handful of each until his glass and both bottles were emptied. “Don’t worry Vitya we’ll be together soon enough.” Closing his eyes he snuggled himself into Victor’s Russia track jacket waiting to feel the effects of the medication to begin working. His throat burned from the constant scratching caused by trying to swallow too many pills at once. Hindsight would have been to save some of his warm tea as a chaser but there was nothing to do now but wait for sleep to come.

When sleep finally comes he can feel the familiar tells of his dream world. The sand beneath his feet and the gulls soaring through the air. Yuuri should be sad, he knows some part of him should care that he effectively is living out the last few hours sleeping in his bed but at least this way he can spend them with the one person he wanted to spend the remaining time with. Following the usual path his feet brought him back to the bench, their bench. Instead of the usual sight of Victor greeting him with his heart shaped smile the figure is shaking. “Vitya, I came back. For good this time.” He said with finality. 

Victor finally gets the courage to look up and he can feel his heart physically break. Standing up he pushes Yuuri away before he has a chance to sit on the bench. “I want you but not like this. I don’t want you to throw your life away for me! YUURI PLEASE GO BACK!! PLEASE!”    
  
Flinching, Yuuri reaches out to soothe Victor. Holding him tighter Yuuri runs a hand through Victor’s hair trying to comfort him. “Don’t worry Vitya I’m not going anywhere. Death was only able to part us for a while.” 

“Take it back. Whatever you did take it back! YOU CAN’T KILL YOURSELF FOR ME!”

“I’m not doing this for you Vitya, I’m doing this for me.” 

_ Eventually you’ll understand. _

His hands frame Victor’s face, brushing his thumbs across his cheeks, smearing his shed tears. And there they sat, Yuuri comforting Victor just like he had done when Yuuri first showed up to this dream world. Victor’s wailes reverberating off of Yuuri’s skin, an auditory reminder of how even now he still continues to cause suffering. But soon it would be right. Everything will finally be right again. 

For a while they just sit there listening to Victor cry until he settles and Yuuri convinces him to walk. “Sorry I wasn’t able to bring Makka with me, it felt too cruel for….you know...”

“Yeah, I know.” Victor’s voice is soft, almost lost to the sound of the waves.

Yuuri blinks slowly looking out to the horizon. “Look,” tapping Victor’s shoulder, “looks like you’ll finally be able to watch the sun set.”

“Maybe.” 

“Guess that means that my body is accepting it’s fate. Hopefully I will only be gone a short while. All we’ll have to do is find each other again.”

“I know.” Victor sighs as the sky fades into the first warm sunset.

“Please don’t be mad at me Vitya. I don’t think I could take disappointing you too.”

“I’m not mad. I just wish there was another way for us to be together. I want to be together, just not at the expense of your life.” His fingers lightly squeezed Yuuri’s.

The quiet sound of waves fills the silence between them. 

_ This feels just like the time before.  _

_ Before everything went to hell.  _

_ Before losing you.  _

“Vitya?”

“Yes?

Pulling him back to their bench he leaned against Victor’s shoulder watching the sun slowly descend towards the watery horizon. “Stay close to me?”

Bringing his arm around Yuuri he pulled him in close, placing a single kiss against his temple. “Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry to leave you with that ending....but fear not the second chapter is in the works!


End file.
